A+

Today was a good day.

I smiled. I hoped. I found out that one of my favorite bands' songs is on full blast at Old Navy.

Okay maybe that wasn't so good. Seriously, Tegan and Sara? I mean it's one thing to sell to Coldstone. They're like a fucking... Luxury ice cream place. But Old Navy? Home of distressed jeans and $3.99 shirts? Tsk on you. But I do love hearing your voices in the middle of a shit day =)

I think my coworker has a crush on me. And I also think she is an elf. But that's beside the point. What matters is that she only wants to work when I (pretend to) work and that's dangerous. Everybody and their mother knows that this ring is holding the place for a bigger bling bling ring so one would think that would scare people off... Nope.

I felt a little bit safer today and more in my element. Maybe because I got *mostly* amazing customers, but also because I was working with Brian, who never sends me to lunch or home late, who always asks if I need anything anytime he's in the vicinity, and who always has a genuine smile plastered on his face. Plus, he's a super cutey-patootie elf creature who constantly has that "I-Just-Got-Married-and-We're-Still-Sexing-Like-Rabbits" look on his face.

Gotta love Brian.

I met some pretty rad twitterlings last night. Shoutout to:

@ SecondBecky
@ Julio_Angel
@arielleisnow
and @ leslovelifelust

who all share my hate of snow, love for the city, and envy of warm sunshine.

That's all folks. 

Fashionista. NOT

So things are finally, finally set for the informal interview on Tuesday. I'm kind of excited, but kind of FREAKED out at the same time. Since K*'s car is kind of... Gone... We're meeting at a restaurant that was kind of like my second home when I lived with S*. Fuck my life. I was more than happy not even going back up to the Edgewater/Andersonville area (save trips to Women and Children First ) and dammit now I'm within

50 meters of absolute insanity and I have no idea whether I should joke it off and forget that she exists... Or wear sunglasses and a bomber hoodie.

In other news, I'm having a wardrobe crisis. What the hell do I wear to this completely informal interview that will still say "Hey you better not forget about me because this outfit rocked both of our tiny little worlds"?


I have this shirt I just bought:

Ultra Pleated Shirt

that looks so much better on me than this mannequin. I'll upload photos later ;)

And this one:

Ruffle Neck Top

Which  makes me feel like I'm going to a holiday party...  And I have an assortment of black. Pure black waves in my closet. I'm screwed, completely screwed lol and AM IN DESPERATE NEED of a fashion consultant.

I wish my gay best friend was fashion smart =(

Gud.Ness.Gray.Shus.

I'm pretty lax these days, contemplating life movements and restoring hopes. I hate to do New Years Resolutions, but by golly, this may just be the year to stick it to my inability to follow through with things (more on that later).

My list so far:

1) write every day, no matter if it's only as small as repeating my name or a word on a page
2) make a weekly commitment to create- food, decoupage, scrapbooking, whatever
3) make a positive effort to meet more people and make more friends
4) blog at least four to five days a week

5) seek. counseling. and make an effort to open myself up not only in the privacy of counsel, but in the open air of community

Good, yea?

Anyway, as I've probably dramatically lamented about before, it's been a pretty rough time around these parts.

But things have been slowly picking up. The good thing about not getting a paycheck on time is that when the next pay period comes around, I have more dough to blow (yea I said it) on things such as these:

 

 

  

and most especially, this guy:

I'm telling you, when I spend, I go hard, homie. I'm already planning on blowing my next check. Either the tattoo I keep tring to psych myself into getting from an artist OTHER than the artist  I love at home... Or on decorating the hell out of my room with these. Dammit Etsy, stay out of my head!

And speaking of things that get in your head, today's discovery is that Starbucks Espresso shot Light is a mindfuck and gives the simulation of a caffeine high, but wears off within minutes, ruining one's buzz and making them crankier than they were before the supposed caffeine injection.

No one should be able to sell that stuff.

As a result of my caffeine low, I snapped a few times at the stupid bitch I've mentioned before. Jeez oh pete. Give a mouse a freaking crumb...

Apparently she's in training to be a cash handler, which means absolutely nothing to me except that she can get my change and check my bag when I leave. Maybe she got a raise, too, who knows? But when you give crazy bitches power, it goes to their heads. Take Jane. Once she obtained an actual title, she began dishing orders that are usually reserved for people with the titles ending in "manager".  I wasn't aware of said advancement in retail hell, so I treated her like I always treated her... I ignored the hell out of her.  And apparently that pisses Jane off to no end. I didn't notice.. Because I ignored the hell out of her.

Well, today, she offered unwanted and unneeded information like she always does. She jumped into conversations between myself and my customers. She pissed me off. So I cut her off. And pushed her to the other side of the room.

And knowing that Jane isn't the best to listen to when it comes to important things... I probably shouldn't have listened when she said that Mandy had come in to take over for me... I should have probably radioed to find out if her statement was actually valid or if I would be on a perpetual shit list for listening to her... But then I wouldn't have been able to witness the ACTUAL managers completely tear her apart.

It was fun. I felt better about life. And I got over everything.

Anyway, someone put my sucky Christmas into perspective. I wish that I had known about it sooner. I would have spent the day.. doing something other than feeling sorry for myself.

Read the story here...

And to all a good night.

Loose lips sink more than just ships.

My mommy. She's a rockstar.

She's pretty fucking amazing. She lets me rant and rave and try to find myself through whatever medium I'm into at the time and she lets me figure out what I'm good at. She's my rock. She's always tried to make me a stronger person. She's been giving me tools to realize who I am and who I want to be. She fucking rocks and lets me rock, too. She has evolved so much in the past few years and has taken me along for the ride. She's letting me get to know her. And even though we fight, she's becoming my best, truest friend.

Period. And yeah, I'm pretty dependent on her. I'm coddled, even.

But I wouldn't trade our relationship for the world.

And, at the expense of sounding completely incestuous and perverted, I miss being close to her.

And even the times when we weren't close, but she was a 40 minute ride away.. I felt better. Just knowing that if there was one second in the day that I felt I needed her, she would drop what she was doing and pick me up from the station.

My New Year's wish is to see my Mommy again on the one platform that means I'm coming home.

On the way down.

It's been a rough, busy few days. I've been passing out early and waking up in the middle of the night to go on late-night shopping binges. My bank account is reflecting such. I try to justify my excessive spending by telling myself that it's for the sake of art, that I'm fueling and feeding the indie writers I love and the ones I'm sure I'll grow to love.

It's an obsession.

Like the journals I keep buying and my newest addiction www.etsy.com and zines and wall shelves. I'm officially going nuts with the spending and I have no idea how to curb my crazy crazy addiction to things and words.

The bright side out of all this? I got to interact on the interwebs with an amazing lesbian author/poet/zine-ist/comedian/playwright/jack-of-all-f*cking-trades by the name of Carissa Halston whom you should definitely get to know. She has profiles on Amazon and Etsy. Hint, hint. I also got to get some pretty awesome looking/sounding zines by women I've never heard of, but definitely want to get to know. Stay tuned for those reviews.

One thing though that I should have just left on the godamn interwebs was this wall shelf that I thought was a really good bargain... It's a bargain because it's in pieces. Seriously. I have to like put it together and I don't know anything about that. Phillips head? What? Ridiculousness. I've been working on it for the last four hours, and let me tell you... There's a reason you're supposed to use a nail file to screw things in. I'm only 1/4 of the way done =/

Save me from my internet surfing.

I did get some pretty sweet gifts for my two favorite ladies. Since I waited until the last minute to do Christmas shopping, I had to pay an arm and a leg (EFF you USPS!!) for shipping and handling, but whatever. It's worth knowing I might have put a smile on their faces.

Kira: I hope the book is hilarious. I didn't proofread. It was 2 in the morning when I ordered it lol I can't be blamed for what I picked out for your gag gift.

Jeez. Sleep. I need sleep.

Home Alone.

I tend to not feel things until the very moment of impact. Like 11:08 tonight when my sister texted me to say Merry Christmas... Well it was Christmas on the East coast then...

And then I realized that everyone's home. Even the people who don't deserve any cheer at any time of the year. Everyone's home and enjoying family and friends and the loves of their lives and I am here. Sitting in my apartment and staring at this ginormous fish tank, wishing I had a bottle of something.

Sacrifice doesn't look good on me.

Instead of the warm and cozy feelings I usually get around this time of year, with the security of home (Mommy) and phone calls from relatives all over the globe, Christmas pajamas, my Mom's amazing mac-and-cheese, pretending I didn't already know what she bought me... All I'm feeling right now is resentment and loss. All those things I'm missing because I went out on a limb and followed my heart.

Again, I was completely fine with not going home for Christmas... But..

I should be home.

I should have my life.

I don't understand why I can't have love and still keep my life.
I don't understand why I'm alone in my room on Christmas.

Most of all, I don't understand why I'm still complaining about it, and not doing something *productive* about it.

On the Byways to Happy

I don't exactly know what mood I'm in these days, but this video-- no matter how blah I feel-- makes me feel shit tons better. But uh WHERE IN THE WORLD IS JERICA CHILDS? We wee little lesbians across the Mississippi mish you.

Christmas Makes Me Itch

I'm freaking out about Christmas. I'm down to the wire and haven't shopped for ANYone's present...

And my family is freaking expensive to shop for.

Granted, we all have exquisite taste in the things we have and look for, but good lord. I asked my sister what she wanted from me for Christmas-- mind you, I'm not paying rent or actually supporting myself because I'm mooching off my mom. And the first and only thing she can think of is a Fossil purse from Macy's. Let's look at the dollar signs.

This little bugger-- the only Fossil bag I actually like and think she would like as well... $188. What the hell? I wasn't getting things like this until I left for college. She's SIXTEEN-- what celebrity-esque fashion statement could she possibly be making with a Fossil bag?

And my mom.. Is expensive. Usually the newest Coach bag is on her list or massage packages or vacations... I don't have it like that this year. In fact, I still don't even have a paycheck (my job fucked up on my payroll and deposited money into a different account) and my mom is buying me pizza and putting money in my account.

I am officially a bum. Or what I like to call "for real starving artist".

But I'm getting out of my rut and finally accepting that I am here and I am broke but I'm still fabulous and no one or town can take that. Ever.

So my sister can get her bag from Ebay or that purse exchange. I'm calling in a favor at Vida to get my mom pampered and primped like the queen she is. And I'm getting myself this internship with Ky so that I can finally do something that I believe in. I'm getting my dreams back. Slowly. And I'm cashing in whatever Karma points I've collected this year.

I'm getting my life back. Thank you Santa.

I'm also struggling with what to get my friends and girlfriend. There are only a couple of people I'm willing to actually shop for... And that's getting hard for me too. My friend Kira has been an essential asset in making me feel better about... Life in general. So I wanted to get her something special to say hey you were awesome thanks for being a good friend... Buuuut considering the only things I've picked up along our very brief road to friendship is that she loves the color pink, has a Tinkerbell tattoo, and loves amazing music... I'm stuck. I don't want to get her something she already has... Maybe a day of shopping in Chicago will suffice?

My girlfriend reads this. Enough said.

Anyway, I should commence with my online shopping and pray for an adequate gift for everyone who I've had the privilege to know and love this year.

Dear Christmas, be over so that I can start anew in 2010. Thanks.

Futuristic Failures

I came to this town knowing two things. That I would love my girlfriend and that I would finally know and start my future.

Lately though I've been coming to the realization that some dreams are meant to be kept dreams. Some things are meant to be entirely in my head and some things are just meant to be. My love is meant to be. It's the only thing I'm sure of in this state of mental emergence that I am in.

Today, I really just wanted to call up my best friend and tell her my life is in shambles. And then I realized that she doesn't believe in me. So I told myself that she can't exist anymore, for me. Because I cannot have one more thing in my life that fails. I am clinging right now to my last semblances of hope and safety. My mother is being extremely (for)giving right now and it's the only thing that's keeping me above water. I honestly don't know what I'm doing here. But she's letting me roam and find myself and whatever the fuck it is I'm finally going to do with my life.

She is trying to overcome tragedies.

I'm just adding to the hurt, financially and otherwise, by continuing to chase dreams and rainbows. And not even succeeding at that.

My girlfriend often doesn't know what to say. And what can she say? I feed off of words, devour them. Words don't really work for me right now, written or otherwise. And I can't tell her everything I'm feeling right now because I don't know exactly how it translates into verbs and nouns.

I'm trying so hard not to give up. I'm trying so hard not to leave and be the same person I always seem to turn into.

I don't want to be a coward. I don't want to constantly complain. I don't want to be unhappy or ungrateful.

But I am.

And I need to deal.

On Faith and Separation

There is a subtle line that's always drawn between reality and dreaming. I have never been able to distinguish where I stand between them. Or whether or not I have to create that line for myself.

I've never been good at keeping things separate, or knowing the difference between things that have two totally different meanings and outcomes.

Like loving. And simply being.

I don't understand the differences between the kinds of love I'm supposed to give to other people. I also don't understand how people can feign concern and go through the motions of caring when they don't. Again, though, it's hard for me to separate my love for people and my love for the things they do. It's hard for me to separate the life I am living from the life I've lived or dreamed about.

I've lived so much.

And I feel that now I have to separate myself from the self that I should be projecting now. My life is a display of affection, consideration, work, and respect for things I do not believe in.

My beliefs are in shambles.

And I am trying so hard to figure out how to be strong and not cry about it but this unfortunate chain of circumstances is teaching me nothing except how to not believe. How to forget faith.

How, most of all, to forget myself and remember that right now, my life means nothing. Right now, I have to separate my selves and put all of my energy into surviving this life that I have signed myself into. And I have to remember that now, at this very moment, I have to promise not to cry anymore. And if I find that I can't keep that promise, I need to separate my crying self from my world self.

Wedding Rings

I'm not a big fan of politics. I don't follow because I get angry and I have political friends who can get angry and keep me up to date on important things. But I have a lifelong subscription to the Rachel Maddow show and get massive Twitter updates from DC freaks, so I now know that my councilmen (save Marion Barry, who's an addict, and some person I've never heard of or paid attention to before) passed a bill to legalize gay marriage.

I'm ecstatic.

Not only because it's a big step for the District, but because now my friends can finally get married in this country (legally) but because I finally feel like there's a win in my, OUR corner.

Marion Barry. I'm glad you're only one of two council-members who shot this down. Honestly, I'm surprised anyone followed your vote after all the shit you put the city through this past few years.

Major fail, Barry.

The Toxicity

Familiar things comfort me and make me feel a little bit more at home.

I remember staying up every night during my senior year for two straight weeks until I had watched every episode of The L Word. Then, I only had four seasons to watch. Now, I'm recapping and watching ALL SIX seasons until I feel a little bit more like myself.

Let me just say, I fucking LOVED the Jenny from season one. She wasn't a major cunt-bitch and she hadn't gone crazy over the whole Marina thing yet. She was vulnerable and almost lovable, even though she was a whiny geek.

BUT I hate Tina and Bette during this season. Total dependency and bad clothes did not look good on Tina and I'm so glad they grew out of it and Tina did something other than let Bette decide on everything.

I shouldn't be (re)obsessed with this show. But I am... So I'm going to stay up all night and watch, pretending my girlfriend is laying next to me and shaking her head at my nonsensical determination to finish this series. Again.

They're My Friends

In order to completely purge myself of every negative feeling I'm housing in my body right now... I need some kind of release.

The exhaustion and hurt (physically and emotionally) I've felt since moving to this town is permeating every part of my life. I can't even enjoy the simple things that used to make me happy. And dreams... Dreams don't exist anymore

I keep telling myself that today is just a bad day. It doesn't always have to be this way.... And then I remember where I am and how rarely things seem to change here.

People are cruel. And too fake when they're apologetic.

Woo I missed this one.

New Tiësto (Feat. Tegan & Sara) - "Feel It In My Bones" (Stereogum Premiere) - Video - Stereogum








I can't believe I JUST found out about this collab. Where the hell was I in August?

For the Turnstiles

I don't acknowledge people whose names leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Period.

I've been trying to refrain from blogging about this for personal and future legal reasons, but honestly.... If I don't, it's gonna be Bad Girls Club all up in my home and I don't really have time for that childishness.

So anyway, earlier this week, I found a nice little notice placed on my laptop when I got home from work. Basically, what it said was that I had ten days to vacate my apartment because I had a guest over too many nights or something. It was initially addressed to my girlfriend, but they scribbled my name in at the top to make it a little more official.

I didn't really have time to go over it or ask my roommates about the allegations, but it didn't matter because they conveniently were not home. So I left it for them with a little "Really?!" type note to see if anyone would actually own up to attempting to get me evicted from my apartment.

No such luck.

I came home the next morning pissed off and in no mood to see a bunch of question marks in reply to my note and the letter I posted. I'm not an idiot. I know how things work.

I know that when people are threatened by something that's totally different from themselves, the first thing they want to do is expel that something from their presence and obliterate the fact that it ever existed in their world.

What I don't understand is how you can tell me it's cool and that you actually like my girlfriend and act as if you're welcoming us into my new space... And then proceed to try to get us both thrown out so you don't have to see us together. Your world becomes perfect again.

Fuck you.

Only one out of the three other roommates actually fessed up and told me dude, hey, my bad. I didn't know it would go to that extreme when they asked me to say something. And the bad thing is, NONE of this affects her in the end anyway because she's planning on bailing on these people she's known for years, simply because she's tired of their shenanigans and looking for something new.

We are grown ass women.

Come to me when you have a problem with me or my lifestyle. I'm not necessarily saying that I'll change who I am, but I could have made the effort to make you feel more comfortable because we all have to live together. But don't try to take action against me behind my back. I'm pretty good at holding my own and getting out of compromising situations with or without your knife in my back. But don't... Just don't go and report me for things the whole house does. Because from now on, if I'm restricted, believe, everybody in this motherfucker is restricted and I will be gatekeeper if I have to.

Rules are rules, are they not?

Oh, and if you're wondering, I'm not being kicked out. They miraculously turned into a very stern warning when I went to talk to them about the situation.

So a few things are changing from this point forward.

For one, I can't sleep with my girlfriend on a regular basis anymore.
Therefore, no one is bringing home boytoy and thinking they're sleeping there either.
I'm not tip-toeing around bitches anymore. This is my home too and getting loud with it.
I'm not taking into consideration anyone whose existence does not positively influence my life.

I'm. not. taking. ANYone's. shit.









In other, happy news. I went to a rocking ass holiday party last night/this morning with some really awesome folks  =) Even though I couldn't hang with the grown folks who stayed up til like 7 in the morning with absolutely no alcohol involved, I had fun AND got everything I wanted for Christmas. Plus some.

So, top ten people who rocked my tiny little world this week:

1. My amazing girlfriend, Ashley (for dealing with me through all this crap)
   
2. Kim
3. Zipporah
4. Keith (aka Kevin-- JAPAN?!)
5. Genesis
6. Vasilis
   
7. My Mommy. Because she's awesome. Period.
8. Yadi (yay for bdays!)
9. Kira
10. and Amour. You are always my love =)
    

I'm trying to end the week on a happy note. I wish my family were here because we would ROCK THIS LITTLE TOWN, but I'll have to do it without them physically here with me. Ah, we will always have Facebook.

Sarah Bettens "Leef"

I am pretty much in love with this video-- not only because I freaking adore sing-a-longs, but because I ALWAYS fuck up the words and it's nice to have a visual.

I met Sarah Bettens this year at DC Pride and it was MAGICAL. Seriously Sarah, stop messing with my heart's strings.

She actually bowed, BOWED to me and thanked me for supporting her. You should probably buy her newest CD and you know follow her on Twitter (@sarahbettens) and look for the new K's Choice album.

I'm a fan. It's what I do.

I RUN BLONO

Have you ever gotten the feeling that something just wasn't quite right?

I'm having that feeling now. And I'm not sure if it's because I think I might have left something on... Or maybe it's because my socks don't even remotely match today... Or maybe it's because it's fucking 2 degrees outside and I can't enjoy the snow because this town sucks all of the joy out of me?

Maybe it's that.

I was going to complain about being miserable in this town, but then I thought about it...

I don't pay rent. Definite bonus.
I *hopefully* won't have to pay for next semester's classes.
I don't have real responsibility, outside of my pets and general well-being.

I have no right, really, to complain.

My girlfriend thinks I'm just complaining because now I'm not making enough money to waste on all the things I used to... BINGO.

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a hoarder of things. I buy and buy with no regard, really, to cost or benefit. This is America, for goodness' sake-- I'm supposed to look for things that look pretty but aren't really functional. Like the RAV-4. But I like to think that I waste money on more than just things. I waste money on experiences as well. I'm a fan of hopping on a bus train or plan to anywhere other than where I am at the moment. I move a lot (this is the first time I've fully unpacked my suitcases in over two years), which wastes a HELL of a lot of money. But there are few places I haven't seen, and very few "types" of people I haven't met or friended on Facebook. And for that, I would-- and do-- spend my very last dime.

These days, though, I've been wasting a hell of a lot of money on this here obsession with fish.

I bought this 75 gallon, almost as tall as me, so HUGE I could take a bath in that mother effer tank for no reason other than I want at least four of these (expensive ass) seahorses:

And you're probably going to hear me obsessing about it until I get them... Next summer...


Right now, though, I'm going to go look for something to fill up my ten gallon. And redo my nails. =)

Smack Attack

Have you ever had a coworker that just annoyed the SHIT out of you? I'm talking like every time you hear the clump-clump of them walking toward you, you immediately just feel the need to claw your eyes out. Or shoot something...Anything.. EVERYthing to feel better bout this person existing?

I always feel the need to strangle this girl every time she walks up to me. She nags.  And gives the WRONG information constantly. And doesn't contribute to my life, therefore she shouldn't matter. But she DOES because she won't go away.

You would think that with all her retail work eperience, she would know a hell of a lot ore than I do. and unfortnately for her, she thinks that she does. Fortunately for me, though, I have a little business sense and know not to rearrange an entire shop without knowing what I'm doing. And I also know how to NOT piss of the boss every twenty minutes so that I work more than two days a week.

I also know that drugs are bad. And honey, you don't wear speed well.

I don't run LA

I'm watching the Bad Girls Club.

And I may be getting brain cancer, but I'm determined to see Flo make out with EVERY single one of these horny ass girls. That's all I want. I do it for the gay.

She wants my goodies?

My girlfriend officially stole the electric blue lobster we've been babysitting forEVER. We actually saw the parent today, and again, she promised she was coming to get him... But then commented that she would probably just leave it at one of the "fraternity houses" on campus until we got back from winter break

WHAT THE HELL?

I'm kind of glad that when I walked into my room today, there was a shiny blue electric lobster harassing my guppy... Because clearly, CLEARLY its parent is slowly becoming a deadbeat (love you, mean it) with a pretty rad haircut.

Mike, one of my old members emailed me today on a "Where the fuck are you and why aren't you here to fool around with me in the morning?" type trip. Let me tell you a little about Mike WHOA-dan. We have had countless discussions (very little disagreement) about everything from most new music being shit to the state of our "united" nation to why MGMT and Le Tigre rock our tiny little worlds. We've mastered the art of 90's music and have traded articles and magazines. Whoa-dan was my buddy. Period. And I'm so happy he decided to email me out of the blue because it made. my. day.


Anyway, other than surprise emails from old gym members and twiddling my thumbs through retail hell, I've been making moves in the direction of grown up living. I have a phone interview in the early morning with-- get this-- a company that specializes in scuba diving lessons and dive shops. Basically, I'll be doing what I'm always doing- tweeting my face off and getting people to do things they really had no intention of doing. Marketing intern is what they call it.

After that, hopefully I'll be interning with someone my girlfriend is not liking so much these days. But I'm short on friends and cultural experiences so I'm hoping that she'll come around sooner or later. Seriously, though, if I bag this internship with the amazingly awesome Ky (and Kira), I will be forever grateful to a certain new(ly discovered?) friend. And even though I'm accused of having booty call hour talks with said friend, I'm hoping this one will last... I seem to have a knack for pissing off and subsequently losing my friends. Especially the female ones.

Oh... The female ones...

More on that later. For now, I have to get rid of this migraine. Be gone, lights.

I'm packing my bags. Yesterday.

The gf and I have decided that San Francisco is the place to be for Spring Break...

Well it was mostly my tell/asking if she'd like to go. Because I'm going. Period.

I have this weird impulse that doesn't let me stay in one place for too long. I'm really trying to make it work here until I graduate (I really can't afford to keep transferring) so impromptu vacations are key... The only drawback is: I'm not bringing home the bacon the way I used to.. Which means I have to plan in advance for things like a grown-up... Which means I have to pretend to be grown up for once, tuck my bottom lip in, and break out the budget book.

I also have to break out the resumes and get a grown-up job again. It's cool to be in a college town and take on college student-like work... But in the end, I'm high maintenance. And I can't stomach less than forty hours a week-- I just don't understand how it works. I also don't really understand the whole clocking in and out system, so there have been plenty of times where Amy has had to go back and edit things.

I ramble.

But seriously, I'm hitting the town as soon as this next week is over; I'm working literally ALL day everyday with absolutely nothing to show for it besides bad knees and a new hatred for all things retail. I'm also hitting up the spa, getting a facial consultation and a really, really well-deserved massage and shooting the receptionist in the finger so that I can take their job.


Some things I miss:

Having the money to say "Mommy, please pick me up in about a week. I'm going on vaca"
Doing absolutely nothing at my job and making bank
Listening to Mike punish his clients
Having lunch with Sam-e-Poo and talking about her latest boyfriend adventures

I miss DC. I miss the feeling of having history and future all around me at the same time. I miss walking down the streets and knowing that every inch of it belongs to me and everyone around me. I miss randomly walking into awkward situations, like being a city tour guide for Pakistani hotel guests who just want to have a good time.

I miss it. All of it.  And this place is absolutely nothing like it.

So if I'm going to survive here, I think I'm gonna have to get away sometimes.

But I'll always be back, because despite my complaints, there are some things that happen here. And they're pretty rad.

Alice

At first, I wasn't even interested. Then all of a sudden there was a wormhole full of psychedelic rainbow crap.

Next thing I know, this Alice chick has a tattoo on her forearm and I'm sucked into the fairy tale... The new fairy tale all over again.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow =)

You can't catch me

I'm not gonna lie. The idea of having these seahorses makes me giggle inside like a prepubescent girl waiting in line for NSync. Or whoever is considered cool these days.
However, putting this big ass 75gallon tank together with water and filter and rocks and coral and deco and... I don't know what a protein skimmer does yet, but I have that too. Anyway, all this crap for these two tiny little seahorses that aren't even here yet have pretty much wiped me out.

I got the aquarium for a really good deal via Craigslist and one awesome lady with a passion for all things aquatic. She gave me this $1500 fish tank with extras worth at least $600 for... $150. Now I know I should have been a little skeptical about what was wrong with it, but honestly for 150 bucks, I figured if there was a crack or something I would melt that shit back together because there is no way I'd be able to afford it otherwise.

But seriously, she and her husband deserve a gold star for their fishy skills. He and one of his friends delivered the tank here to my tiny ass apartment (I wasn't here so I heard it all secondhand) along with all the extras and a sweet little note from his wife. She gave me some pointers and let me know there were plenty of cool things for me-- er my fishies-- to play with included. AND I learned that I probably shouldn't get a chocolate chip starfish (even though they are oh so pretty) because his ate almost $150 worth of fish... In one day.

Fuck. That.

Absolutely no harm can come to my seahorses lol these bitches cost almost $200 a pair!

And where, you say, am I gonna find seahorses in the middle of corn and wheat? Florida. Yup. That one state we don't mention for fear of waking up old demons. Shit.

There they go.

"it was cinematic, how we loooved"-- Erin McKeown

It's been a blah day today. I've slept, ate Pringles, watched reruns of shows I shouldn't really respect... Slept some more... I contemplated eating some tapioca pudding, but I'm too lazy to get a spoon. Besides, anorexia is in, right?

No, I don't support anorexia. Nor is it my goal to look "model" thin. I just really hate shopping for new jeans. It was a four day process the last time I went (thank goodness for Alyssa, or it never would have happened) and, believe me, the process was painful. I have this complex where I always think I'm two sizes bigger than I actually am, so my 1's become 5's and my 4's become 8's. I also sometimes forget that my ass is twice the size it was last year (thank you large hills and Stairmaster), so that really low cut jean just isn't going to cut it for me unless I'm advertising the new face of butt crack.

And it's not just jeans I have trouble with shopping for. Everything, everything is a struggle. I tend to hate anything with a cute pattern or ruffle, so my closet is full of solid colored tops and shawls (I'm a HUGE fan of shawls). I have to offset the boredom of my palette and look for things that fit me well and are as close to one of a kind that I can get on a budget.

I. Hate. Shopping.

But it's kind of close to Christmas, and with invitations coming in for parties and presents to buy and such, I have to shop for myself (gotta look halfway decent, right?), my roommates, and for strangers I have never laid eyes on. Secret Santa is the enemy, and I have no idea how to go about buying something for people I don't know for less than $15. Who came up with that price cap anyway?

My roommates are going to prove to be a chore to shop for.

Amber's the lady diva, so I'll probably just end up getting her something from ULTA. She'll probably use my card long before I will (I'm still not sure why I signed up for it... besides being a sucker for girls with long lashes), so that's also up for grabs.

Erin's our homemaker... No seriously, she makes this place feel like home. There is always some sort of baked good smell in the apartment and I'll probably end up just getting her some more things to bake with. I'm a fan of decorating cakes-- and she enjoys baking them... Maybe we'll do a Christmas dessert thing? I don't know.

Jenna... Jenna's never home lol so I have no idea what she does besides crash at her boyfriend's. At least I think she has a boyfriend... I don't fucking know-- gift cards will rock her world though.

And Ashley... Ashley reads this, so it's kind of hard to ruminate on what she might like. She missed out on the DJ Hero game, but everyone I know said it wasn't even worth advertising... I don't really want to get her something that sucks.. She might just appreciate my not buying any more big ass fish tanks. She may also appreciate my getting rid of this impulse to adopt pets. Like this little electric blue lobster I've been babysitting for two weeks...

Yea... He's going into the tank at high noon tomorrow if its parent doesn't pick it up. And, believe, he will no longer be called 'Monkey'.

"Coat Check Dream Song"

Today I noticed something: I leave. Easily. And I don't really regret it most times.

But when people come trickling back in my life (sadly, most of the time, it's via Facebook), I start looking back and wondering what would have happened if I had stood by them instead of running away when shit got hard. I was surprised as hell this morning to find that one of my SXU friends had used one of our really old photos as a profile picture. I don't know if she was trying to get my attention or let me know she was still alive and it was ok that I didn't know what to say or how to say it when shit got a little bit crazy. I wasn't her best friend... But when you're in the bottom of the barrel, any good friend is essential to breaking through to the surface.

KLo: I miss our crazy times. A little secret: I once thought that we could save each other in the end. I will never forget our hallway kishes, the night we decided fuck SXU and smoked hookah on the lawn, or any of the times you stumbled in my room, grabbed Tiff and I by the arm and told us we were coming with you. Halloween is still my favorite holiday and I look at our photos with Nick and still think about how hot we looked that night. And how short he is =)

You introduced me to a million different ways of living. You made me believer in Captain and good fucking music. And I know that one measly 'Are you okay?' text didn't help you then and I should've done more. You were right, you're probably better off without us, the ones who were too scared to ignore what other people were saying and just be a good fucking friend.

For what it's worth, I'm still waiting to give you the celebration you deserved that night. But I know that there were people who found you and gave you a million of those nights. And I'm hoping every night from here on out is one of those nights for you.

Good Morning Newness

At approximately 9:20 this morning, I was promptly awakened by a wah-bam of text messages from one of the trainers at my old job in DC. I don't think I'm supposed to give out sensitive information, but apparently, along with plenty of fireworks and dramatics, Mike's the new head trainer =) If any sweaty old guy in America deserved it-- THAT sweaty old guy deserved it most. Let me just say that he is the only one who can get away with that crass humor (i don't know man drinking this shit i might piss dirty) and booming laugh (that you can actually still hear in the elevator... on the first floor).

You gets one of these: 

Mike Joooooones: you're awesome. And I miss you like crazy, along with all the other VIDAheads =)

Things that start with the word hater

I just have a couple of things to address before I get to bloggin'.

One: I fucking cannot stand hater-ific people who don't want you to think you are worth talking about, yet talk about you anyway.
There's no reason to pretend that you're not talking about me. We both know you are, and most of your twitterlings and facebook darlings do, as well. Don't act as if I hold no importance or value and then turn around and bless my news feed with your weak version of who you think I am.

Two: I think that people who don't have the guts to actually hate on you in person should be publicly slapped in the face with leftover lipo fat.

You know who I'm talking about too. Those FB-Twitter-Myspace freaks that enjoy trash talking other people. And a couple of those people, I dare you say, I actually do (or used to) call friend. Well let me address you- woman to.. whatever.


I fucking love you.

Even as you call me fraud, transparent wordsmith, snobby, bitchy, wannabe, whatever...

You don't have to like me, what I do, how I live, or who or what I love. I don't do anything for you except feed your ego

SO

for the sake of both my sanity and yours, kindly fuck off. Both of our worlds are obviously better when the other is not in it. There. I said it.

Let's move on, shall we?


Today I realized that bitching and complaining won't get me anywhere, so I set out to make this work day as smooth as possible. I got to work early, despite having to run half a mile to catch up to the bus. The only downfall to that run was that I didn't get to stop inside Cosi and get some breakfast =/ Good thing there were doughnuts waiting for me in the break room to go along with my yumlatte.. so I didn't miss too much. THANK YOU girl with the cool hair cut for providing us with delicious doughnuts on a damn near regular basis.  You rock my tiny little world. So that rocky start turned into a rockin' day of signing poor unsuspecting people up for store credit cards and making them spend unnecessary money. I love America.




I'm used to a lot of things happening around this time. For one, my family sets out to grab all the gifts we can for other people while it's still cheap. Hell yes we're selfish little pennypinchers. My mom doesn't usually give us Christmas gifts. Since both mine and my sister's birthdays are within two weeks of the holiday, we've come up with a strategy: get everything AFTER the prices have plummeted postseason-- and only shop in tax-free states (like good old Pennsylvania). We make it kind of a postholiday tradition to wake up at the crack of dawn (nine-ish) to pile up in my mom's car and truck it up north to department stores, small boutiques, and the like so that we can enjoy cheap, taxfree things (mostly clothing) that no one else will have.
This year, though, I'll be celebrating the holidays in ghost town. Hopefully with my girlfriend, but, most likely, I"ll be drinking Marcea-made cocktails and singing to Alvin and the Chipmunks by myself.  Or complaining to my Mommy on the phone about how the snow is ruining my white Christmas and baking whatever delicious cake concoctions come to mind.

At least I have a vision. It's not gonna be anything like home, but it's going to be Christmas, nonetheless.

Rah Rah Rant

The BIG Gay Confrence

Seriously. Click ^^this^^ link and if you live in the Midwest and want to do something cool after you've sat through Valentine's weekend with either a very big bottle of vodka in your hand... Or your sweetheart... You can detox here and watch drag and listen to cool speakers and and... Have fun?

Yea it's a shameless plug for something I just found out about three weeks ago lol. Sue me.

failblog numero uno:: Normal, IL

I decided last week that I would write every day, no matter what. No matter what stupid things came into my head or what trash my ignorance brought forth... I decided I would write. A week later, I'm finally banking in on that promise.

I may have been just a little distracted, though, by the victory in our Nation's Capitol (thank you Mike for the right-at-that-moment text that sent me deliriously over the edge with happiness) and the FAIL by the once great state of New York. I won't get into politics because I cannot possibly express feelings not already expressed by members of the LGBT community and the awesome people that support us... But seriously... If Florida can get a recount - and turn shit ALL THE WAY around, I know that the same can happen in NYS.

Other than watching the news like a hawk and waiting for a Rachel Maddow showdown, I've been working like a madwoman at my minimum wage job. Black Friday should die... It actually physically hurts me to work retail. Besides the obvious back and every-fucking-joint-in-my-body pains, I also have not worked for minimum wage since I was SIXTEEN. And I'm definitely not excited about doing it now...

But I'm sucking up the fact that I feel overqualified. And lost in this small town. Because I love my girlfriend. And I love the fact that I can now sleep next to said girlfriend. Giving up my life in civilization is just a little drawback, I tell myself, to having such an amazing addition to my bed and arms. I'm also sucking it up because I have six months left on this lease that I fortunately don't have to pay for (considering I make minimum wage with minimum hours... I'm sure glad Mumsie's generous). And because I've just dived headfirst into leadership roles at student organizations and tuition bills and committing myself to being friends with pretty wicked people.

So I'm going to be happy. Even if I have to make myself miserable doing it.

Other than loving my girlfriend and attempting to ignore the millions of acres of cornfields (which I'll complain about in a later post), I've been building a better relationship with my mommy.

>>Sidebar: I will always call her Mommy. I don't care that I'm almost legally considered an independent. She's my Mommy and I'm a spoiled brat<<

We've been talking more and more, and while usually it's about what bills of mine she has to pay while I chase dreams of white picket fences and graduation caps, we've also begun sharing things. She's a proud Facebook friend and isn't afraid to comment/post/whatev. And ever since I showed her how to email on her Blackberry (which I also picked out for her), she's been sending me everything from words of wisdom to photos and contact info for long lost family members that she's tracked down... Through Facebook. I love my Mommy and can't wait to come home to soak up the familiarity of having her around and I'm hoping that, even with all of our bad times, I can be something like her when I decide I want to grow up.

I've been contemplating changing my major to English Education... Everyone that really knows me is aware of the fact that ever since I discovered my own feminine/feminist power, I decided that I would never take on those roles that were once called "traditionally female roles". But I've also discovered that I actually love introducing people to new things and feeding people things I love and am passionate about... I love the idea of teaching.

There go my dreams of being a professional bum, I guess.

For now, though, I'm just hoping for a job that doesn't involve fitting rooms and coupons. I'm hoping that I can find myself in this college town and get past the fact that I'm no longer bustling and hustling in the big city.

Next time you hear from me, I'll probably still be begging for a new job, aching for new ink, contemplating burning down all farmland that I come across, and hoping to have the courage to meet new folks who can rock my little socks off. Most of all, I'll still be adjusting.



So have you ever moved to a totally new element? How do you make it work in a new town?