On Faith and Separation

There is a subtle line that's always drawn between reality and dreaming. I have never been able to distinguish where I stand between them. Or whether or not I have to create that line for myself.

I've never been good at keeping things separate, or knowing the difference between things that have two totally different meanings and outcomes.

Like loving. And simply being.

I don't understand the differences between the kinds of love I'm supposed to give to other people. I also don't understand how people can feign concern and go through the motions of caring when they don't. Again, though, it's hard for me to separate my love for people and my love for the things they do. It's hard for me to separate the life I am living from the life I've lived or dreamed about.

I've lived so much.

And I feel that now I have to separate myself from the self that I should be projecting now. My life is a display of affection, consideration, work, and respect for things I do not believe in.

My beliefs are in shambles.

And I am trying so hard to figure out how to be strong and not cry about it but this unfortunate chain of circumstances is teaching me nothing except how to not believe. How to forget faith.

How, most of all, to forget myself and remember that right now, my life means nothing. Right now, I have to separate my selves and put all of my energy into surviving this life that I have signed myself into. And I have to remember that now, at this very moment, I have to promise not to cry anymore. And if I find that I can't keep that promise, I need to separate my crying self from my world self.