Futuristic Failures

I came to this town knowing two things. That I would love my girlfriend and that I would finally know and start my future.

Lately though I've been coming to the realization that some dreams are meant to be kept dreams. Some things are meant to be entirely in my head and some things are just meant to be. My love is meant to be. It's the only thing I'm sure of in this state of mental emergence that I am in.

Today, I really just wanted to call up my best friend and tell her my life is in shambles. And then I realized that she doesn't believe in me. So I told myself that she can't exist anymore, for me. Because I cannot have one more thing in my life that fails. I am clinging right now to my last semblances of hope and safety. My mother is being extremely (for)giving right now and it's the only thing that's keeping me above water. I honestly don't know what I'm doing here. But she's letting me roam and find myself and whatever the fuck it is I'm finally going to do with my life.

She is trying to overcome tragedies.

I'm just adding to the hurt, financially and otherwise, by continuing to chase dreams and rainbows. And not even succeeding at that.

My girlfriend often doesn't know what to say. And what can she say? I feed off of words, devour them. Words don't really work for me right now, written or otherwise. And I can't tell her everything I'm feeling right now because I don't know exactly how it translates into verbs and nouns.

I'm trying so hard not to give up. I'm trying so hard not to leave and be the same person I always seem to turn into.

I don't want to be a coward. I don't want to constantly complain. I don't want to be unhappy or ungrateful.

But I am.

And I need to deal.