Home Alone.

I tend to not feel things until the very moment of impact. Like 11:08 tonight when my sister texted me to say Merry Christmas... Well it was Christmas on the East coast then...

And then I realized that everyone's home. Even the people who don't deserve any cheer at any time of the year. Everyone's home and enjoying family and friends and the loves of their lives and I am here. Sitting in my apartment and staring at this ginormous fish tank, wishing I had a bottle of something.

Sacrifice doesn't look good on me.

Instead of the warm and cozy feelings I usually get around this time of year, with the security of home (Mommy) and phone calls from relatives all over the globe, Christmas pajamas, my Mom's amazing mac-and-cheese, pretending I didn't already know what she bought me... All I'm feeling right now is resentment and loss. All those things I'm missing because I went out on a limb and followed my heart.

Again, I was completely fine with not going home for Christmas... But..

I should be home.

I should have my life.

I don't understand why I can't have love and still keep my life.
I don't understand why I'm alone in my room on Christmas.

Most of all, I don't understand why I'm still complaining about it, and not doing something *productive* about it.