On Imperfections

Some people think way too highly of me, and when I disappoint them, it ruins the entire image they have of me. So. I'm putting my imperfections on the table- every little thing I can think of.. So before you think you might want to be my friend, you should probably read this.

I'm one of those girls that has had everything sort of handed to her in life.

I'm not exaggerating or trying to over-emphasize; it's just a simple fact.

This fact has led me into a long life of whining and expecting things to be perfect, or really freaking close. I've also developed this habit of never wanting to apologize, rarely taking accountability for my actions, living far above and beyond my means, and expecting my family to pay for my last-minute, mind-boggling decisions (usually travel). I'm materialistic, shallow, and fail at most types of intimate relationships. I crave attention, but don't do anything to deserve it - or keep it. I enjoy being by myself, only because I get annoyed with putting on a show for people. Oh- I'm pretty fake sometimes. If I don't know someone, I'll put on my stage face until I can study them on my own turf. Then I decide whether or not they're worthy enough to witness my bitchiness first-hand.

I'm pretty bitchy. Sometimes I'm pretty bitchin', but we're talking about my flaws here.

I have serious wanderlust. I have an obsession with being the first to leave. I have a fondness for doing things impulsively and not thinking about the consequences. I give up easily when it's something that I didn't really care about in the first place, but I will destroy anything that steps between me and what I really want. I care about money. A lot. As in I'm consumed by the need for money, sometimes, and cannot stand being poor, but don't want to work for anything. I don't like working for anything. I like jobs that don't require my lifting a finger. I don't think minimum wage is acceptable, and I don't work for anyone very long if I don't get a raise within three months. I think I'm better than a lot of situations that I find myself in. I sometimes consider people "lower" than me, as if I have a "higher" rank in society. I love drama, but don't have any interest in actually following through with it, so I just start things between other people and watch everything unfold.

I push my overt gayness on people when I sense that they are homophobic, and laugh at their small-mindedness. I get incredibly mean when I'm hormonal (you know what hormonal means), and everyone turns into my enemy. I have a penchant for saying things that come out completely the wrong way.. but again, I don't apologize. I judge people based on the way they talk. I insist on being right, even when I'm very, very wrong. I have to have things my way. Period. And when things don't go my way, I whine and gripe about how awful the world is.

When I'm up, I'm really up. And when I'm down, I'm really fucking down. The roller coaster ride in between is a trip.

I care more about my books than people. I write shitty poetry that's speckled with some good. I obsess with different artists, writers, and youtubers, and push them onto other people.. then I get upset when they get noticed by the mainstream. I eat like a hog sometimes, but worry about my weight obsessively. I get wrapped up in reality television, but I get over it so soon, that I always miss the "good stuff". Then I get pissed that I missed "the good stuff".

I keep my friends at arms' length. I offend the hell out of people. I piss people off like it's my job.

I live my life minute to minute... I don't deny myself any indulgence. But I do take credit for my fuck-ups. I do point out that my hair isn't symmetrical. I like the fact that I have the most vulgar mouth and thoughts of any one person I know, male or female. I'm too proud, broke or not.

And I love myself, just the way I am. So take me or leave me.

Either way, my wicked ego will always be here to keep me company.