My girlfriend likes plans

Right now, I'm living on dreams and a lack of passion.  I'm trying to motivate myself to find a new job. And possibly a new apartment in the city. But, right now, I want to enjoy myself in the last couple of weeks before I have to take real responsibility for myself and my life.

I don't really have a game plan. I don't think anyone is understanding that it's not exactly the way that I live. I have one general goal in life that's so far down the road I haven't even started on that journey-- and I'm not worrying myself to death about anything else.

Yea, plans fall through. Things change. People change. Attitudes change.

What isn't changing is my ambition and the fact that I know things are going to work out in the end. I know myself. I know that I'll probably leave this town and I'll love the life I imagine I will be able to live in the city. I know I'll miss sleeping next to my girlfriend. But I know that there will be many a night that I will spend in her arms. I know that I'll try to make myself as busy as possible. I know that I will become obsessed with being financially secure and I'll work myself to death to make sure that I can keep house and travel back and forth to Normal.

I want to make things work here. I want to be able to do things without feeling constricted.

And honestly, I knew what I was getting into when I decided to move here. But I thought, and still do sometimes think, that love was enough to keep the world out, to make and keep everything perfect.

Well, now my vacation's over. I have to face reality and act like a grown-up.

But I don't live my life in lists. I don't answer to anyone but myself. And when I feel like my back is against the wall, that's when I'll make my move and I am the only one who can and will decide when that move is coming.

So. Out of normalcy and into the fire. I'm ready.